I have been where you may be right now. I understand your planning, the fear, the panic moments, the lack of any sense of safety, the timing, the escape, the scraping of finances, the preparation to leave, find work, a new residence… I understand you’ve been through all the things: the injuries, the threats, the pressure and threats from his family, the isolation, the financial control… You are unable to move until every last piece was in place. Women did not have to fight a judge back then, just him. No one was talking about Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)/Coercive Control (CC) back then, and the shame and embarrassment were as great as the terror. 

Having been on the other side for well beyond 25 years, scraping a way to the here and now, it’s now that I’m able to support you. IPV/CC has become a most prominent issue in Family Courts, one I am prepared to discuss, educate, and provide support. I see and understand how IPV/CC looks in family court now for you, your children, your family, your finances, your legal issues, and the tremendous effects it now has on your ability to speak for yourself in court for your protection, the lack of credibility he has placed on you, the questions about your mental health rather than his behavior, how he twisted the truth and made you the calculating dishonest one. 

I also understand the need for more information that is relatively unknown to attorneys, Judges, and Guardians. I see the overwhelming patriarchal control, the ignorance of current details of IPV/CC in what it has done to you and what you fear will happen to your children. If you are involved in court proceedings, the details of IPV/CC must be quickly presented to protect you and your children first and foremost to prevent harm. You want out, you want it to be done and over, and you want to finally feel safe. Most importantly, you fear for the lives and safety of your children, knowing he is capable of harming them as he has harmed you. 

I know your abuser. I have often faced him in court, prison, probation, or my private office. I know who he is in your home towards you, how different he is from your family and friends, and how he will appear to the judge in court. I am aware of the myriad of ways he has kept track of you, controlled your children and their behavior, used your children as witnesses to intensify your fear, controlled your time or money, coerced you into abusive sexual situations, and used every opportunity to embarrass or humiliate you. Suddenly, you’re now “mentally unstable.” He has humiliated you in front of family, friends, coworkers, and in your own home. He has threatened harm to anyone in your life or has successfully isolated you from your family and friends. He has told you how he will harm your children if you leave, and you have seen his abuse towards them. He has not yet intimidated me, although he and others have attempted to intimidate me in the past. I have not left my clients.

From many publications and studying the most prominent authors and speakers worldwide, ample information is available regarding the psychological and physical effects of IPV/CC on parents and children. The problem reaches far into dangerous realms of adult and childhood mental health, behaviors, emotional issues, physical illness, and injuries to adults and children. These abuses include financial/litigation abuse, stalking harassment, and, most disturbingly, increased fatalities of ex-partners and their children. The numbers continue to rise on femicide and familicide, resulting in 72% of all homicides/suicides being committed by intimate partners, 94% of whom are women (NCDAV). We now have research and identifiable patterns. There are always patterns.

While psychologists and medical doctors have published scientific research on the mental and physical effects on adult and child victims, the information has not yet been fully digested by attorneys or judges, particularly in the US. Efforts or initiatives have begun to train persons working in family courts, although falsehoods continue to dominate civil and family matters, further abusing victims. Terms such as “litigation or financial abuse” are not yet readily recognized or acknowledged. While stalking and harassment behaviors have become criminalized, coercive control, intimidation, isolation, and threats are not there yet. 

Also disturbing are the effects that IPV/CC has on physical/medical complications that begin at very young ages in children. Studies such as ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) show how far-reaching this damage can be to brain, hormonal, and immune system development, and the damage that can be done to the body after years of heightened “toxic stress”, as identified by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. Research in the medical field highlights how your physical and mental health are affected and how toxic stress affects your children in many of the same ways.  

ACEs research has shed light on adult and childhood illnesses that were previously unexplained until toxic stress was intensely studied. Briefly, out of 10 ACE indicators, four or more positive responses increase one’s chances of developing heart disease, strokes, diabetes, immunological compromises, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, heart and lung problems, mental illness, substance abuse issues, physical growth, and suicidality. This is only a short list of health issues children and adults encounter as a result of the constant stress of IPV/CC. 

If you are facing your IPV/CC abuser in court, allow me to speak on your behalf. Allow me to tell your Judge or other attorneys about his behavior patterns throughout your relationship and possibly others before you. If you have children, we will discuss patterns of your perpetrator’s behavior towards them that can also inform the Court of their safety needs along with your needs. We will show the Court that these dangers are real and how unlikely the odds are for him to change his behavior patterns. I am prepared to speak on how these patterns may appear or change and how your safety will be of concern for months ahead. You are no longer alone.

I invite you to read through my posts that contain information for you, your children, and IPV/CC in different settings with different outcomes. My experiences, research, and training are ongoing to provide change, one case at a time.