Religious abuse is being revealed daily and is a growing and trending severe problem across the nation. We all recall the Catholic scandals, the recent revelations from the Southern Baptist Church abuse research, and now nondenominational churches’ abuse and financial extortion in recent news. Survivors of religious/clergy abuse are beginning to tell their stories of sexual abuse, manipulation, coercion, and control by clergy persons, as well as significant financial extortion in communities across the country. 

Spiritual abuse is parallel to coercive control on multiple levels but evolves from a clearer power differential from the initial stages of grooming. I am closely following this area of trauma and can provide therapy tailored to your needs. You may come to me with confusion, shame, and grief, and we will sort through what has happened to you for clarity. 

Trauma from religious or spiritual abuse is emerging in televised or written news articles, research, and books. The trauma and coercive control experienced by victims are unique in that the perpetrator has caused substantial confusion while justifying their behavior through twisted Biblical messages. Religious abuse has not only assumed the form of sexual abuse and scandal but is now suspected to have played a role in the alleged suicide of a Pastor’s wife. She is now being considered the fatal outcome of her husband’s coercive control.

Further, two pastors have recently acknowledged “inappropriate” sexual activities with persons who were minors. In one case, the woman had maintained an “inappropriate relationship” with the organization’s leader since age 15. Another female, age 12 when grooming behaviors began, was referred to by the Pastor as a “young lady” in his disclosure versus the child she was at the time, and the child reportedly “seduced” him. The sexual abuse is more prolific than is publicly known, and financial abuse is not recognized as such until one has left their church. 

Victims have reported to me that they feel very alone and isolated, and they begin to grieve the loss of a community or sense of family they once shared with rather large church audiences. The grief and confusion are multilayered as a victim questions her religious beliefs, learns of the whispers of her departure or rejection, and loses close friends who she trusted. She hears lies about what occurred and feels the blame over details that did not happen. The victim has now become the offender in a classic DARVO fashion (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim to Offender). Then, a deep sense of shame and trauma follow, as well as questions of how, or even if, she had been abused. 

The abuse can also take the form of financial extortion to add to the illusion of the magnitude and importance of the church to the community. For that to happen, a constant flow of money is a necessity. “Tithing” is a routine part of the “sermon.” More frequent occasions arise to tithe with an emphasis on duty to God. Have you been asked to provide financial information for tax purposes? Are members repetitively asked to offer “service” without compensation? Congregants may be kept too busy to notice that they, too, are being abused or extorted. Being overwhelmed with unpaid services has afforded you no time to think about these events in any other way. They are proud of their sincere efforts, and they do not know how their volunteer services are another form of abuse. If any of these issues are happening or have happened to you or a loved one, it may be time to talk with someone.

Religion has become a “business” for some religious leaders, and, simply put, they are master manipulators with possible personality disorders that are destructive, dangerous, and traumatizing to their victims. Although narcissism currently seems to be an overused term, it is often correctly applied to these religious leaders. The outward signs may be an oversized religious building of grandeur, a clergy’s staff or “Board of Directors” comprised of trusted allies, expensive vehicles, unnecessary expensive jewelry chains with diamond-crusted crosses, and sermons that seem intended towards finances and unpaid “service” rather than ministry.

Individuals, institutions, agencies, and communities can be groomed. This grooming can assume the form of monetary gifting, a dominating positive presence in the community, and seemingly random acts of kindness. However, there is always an underlying personal agenda. When a community as a whole has been groomed through various agencies or institutions, a victim may not recognize the abuse or believe they have no voice. They likely feel shocked, overwhelmed, and betrayed when the realization occurs.

Clergy abuse, like other kinds of physical, psychological, verbal, and sexual abuse, begins with coercive control and grooming. As with any perpetrator of abuse, we must remove gender, race, sexual orientation, age, socioeconomic status, education, or any other differences from the equation. Anyone can perpetrate, and anyone can be a victim. While you may feel very alone, you are part of a growing body of victims in the tens of thousands. As with Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)/Coercive Control (CC), there are always patterns.

Grooming may have begun with simple conversations between clergy and you. It can be challenging to recognize abuse from clergy as their attention may be referred to as “Pastoral Care.” Often, this “care” can begin with an oversharing of information. Even Clergypersons have Codes of Ethics, which we can review to provide you with information, comfort, and protection. In therapy, some information shared may be appropriate as it helps align with someone’s personal experiences to improve their life. 

However, does shared information involve a human commonality, such as grief of a typical human or pet loss? Or, is it a request for inappropriate information, such as sexual experiences? Unnecessary monetary information? Are you constantly questioned about family details? Personal or private information? Would you like to respond so the questions stop? Are you patted by finger taps on the hand, touched by a hand above the knee, or a hand uncomfortably rested on your shoulder? Did they ask permission to touch or hug you? These forms of sensitization to touch can lead to inappropriate, unwanted physical contact. Anyone can be a target for grooming.

The abuse can also take the form of financial extortion to add to the illusion of the magnitude and importance of the church to the community. For that to happen, a constant flow of money is a necessity. “Tithing” is a routine part of the “sermon.” More frequent occasions arise to tithe with an emphasis on duty to God. Have you been asked to provide financial information for tax purposes? Are members repetitively asked to offer “service” without compensation? Congregants may be kept too busy to notice that they, too, are being abused or extorted. Being overwhelmed with unpaid services has afforded you no time to think about these events in any other way. If any of these issues are happening or have happened to you or a loved one, it may be time to talk with someone.

Research supports different stages of grooming as well as what perpetrators look like, what they look for, their practices of targeting and maintaining control, and commonalities of victims. “Pillars of communities,” “the nicest guy (woman) you’ve ever met,” or someone seemingly “invisible” are some common descriptors or characteristics of perpetrators. Clergy persons would likely fall into the first category, least suspected, with many victims. However, there will be identifiable patterns, sometimes only recognized once hindsight reveals what was always there.

Clergy abuse fits well with my experience and background in treating and evaluating trauma. It is coming to my attention more frequently than ever, and my clients feel very alone in their pain. It’s more of the same, yet it’s very, very different. I am gathering research with statistical data to support your decisions, discuss your experiences, and pursue what is needed for your recovery.