Leslie Morgan Steiner shared on LinkedIn today how yet another woman in Maine is deceased at the hands of her significant other. While I try to remain less dramatic in not using words such as “murdered” or “killed”, the reality is that is exactly what happened. Again. What does the article not say? What do law enforcement officers or family members not know?
What can be seen that we’re not discussing? In my work and what is supported in the research is that women are consistently disbelieved. Yet, I find a unique detail in each victim’s story that cannot be read from a book or learned from another person. A victim does not talk about “being killed and thrown in a ditch for my kids to see”, for example, unless it is experienced. The detail is very specific to her situation.
https://people.com/maine-man-accused-killing-wife-visit-parents-home-11683996
There are always patterns. The most critical information about perpetrators of #IntimatePartnerViolence and #CoerciveControl is that there are clear and consistent patterns of abuse over extended, and sometimes short, periods, and across partners. Perpetrators of #IPV and #CC have similar backgrounds that lead to these abuse and controlling behaviors.
If you understand personality development, you know how to find those backgrounds in early childhood, family attachments, school behavior, criminal background, and employment. With my training and education in criminal justice and corrections, IPV/CC perpetrators have very similar backgrounds to psychopathic individuals or persons with dangerous personality characteristics. They are typically not born but are made.
Research consistently shows those patterns shift from partners to defenseless children and sometimes worsen. The patterns of abuse, control, stalking, and harassment begin early in the relationship, increase throughout the relationship, and exponentially worsen following separation. Findings also show that perpetrators do not change with treatment.
We now have ample research that translates to severe physical health problems of adult and child IPV/CC victims, such as asthma, juvenile diabetes, obesity, lowered immune systems, underdeveloped hormonal systems, chronic high levels of stress hormones, and poor brain development. Studies show that neuropsychiatrists were unable to differentiate between a child’s brain following chronic maltreatment and trauma to that of a traumatized adult Combat Veteran.
Mental health complications include behavioral problems in school, academic failure, sexualized behavior, depression, anxiety, attention and concentration problems, substance abuse, illegal behaviors, bullying, and even suicide.
Women do not leave because it is all about timing. They know when they are safe and when they are at utmost risk. They know their financial vulnerability, and their finances are probably tightly controlled to keep them in the relationship. They are expert multitaskers in protecting children while maintaining a household “routine” to manage safety needs. If approached by law enforcement, their message is not to you but to their perpetrator to maintain that safety in the moment. How would I know? I have my own story. Timing is imperative.
If you recognize patterns, ask questions. Offer support. Show victims a path out of the situation. Help them plan. Develop “safe” words or key phrases warning of danger. Talk openly rather than maintaining secrecy, unless discussion increases risk to the victim. Trust them and be there for them. Remind them of their unique value. Above all, help protect them.