A Path to Familicide
“Trigger Warning: This content contains discussions of domestic violence, which may be distressing to some readers. Viewer discretion is advised.”
Today, I met a true potential #familicide victim (not a client). Her story was shocking.
We were on a totally separate topic, which sparked the mention of how she almost lost her child while pregnant. Her abuser did not want the child and sat on her stomach long enough where amniotic fluid leaked. Upon telling his mother, she responded, “That’s just John being John.”
As a seasoned forensic psychologist, I know to not interrupt a person telling their story of trauma. You must let them run out of gas, so to speak, and you cannot predict when they will be finished. Whether it’s a victim/survivor of #intimatepartnerviolence or a #veteran speaking about combat, you have to sit with them until they’re done. Please take care of yourself in reading this article. Stop if needed and no need to finish reading if it’s triggering for you.
She was strangled 5 times, the last of which led to his arrest and conviction. John strangled her one time while she was holding her infant, leaving her with no ability to protect herself or her child and no escape option. He is currently under probation supervision, and she had to fight for supervised visitation. When her Domestic Violence Protective Order expired, renewal was denied because he “hadn’t done anything in a while.” This speaks to the ongoing ignorance of the court system about true IPV/CC danger and why we see a familicide per week.
He held a gun to her head, repeatedly. Access to a weapon added to strangulation equals a 750 times greater probability that she may be killed. (I believe that statistic is correct, but feedback is welcome!) He often came to bed with the weapon in hand as intimidation, or a reminder…
The #electronicstalking began after the relationship ended. One social media post showed an empty picture frame with a gunshot in the center, surrounded by old photos of them together as a family.
On her birthday, John once sent a “funeral flower arrangement” as a “gift”, or more of a reminder…
Visitation continues , under supervision as I mentioned, and the child absolutely hates it. As an infant, John refused to feed or change the child, knowing the severe neglect would cause mental anguish for the mother.
John told her one time that he was going to “check the air in her tires” when she was driving a rental. As she left, with her child in their car seat, and reached a certain speed, the vehicle became uncontrollable with swerving. When she pulled over, she found that the rear wheel on the car seat side of the vehicle had dangerously low air pressure. That incident sounds like a first #familicide attempt to me.
Most recently, John attended a school function, and she found him hovering over her shoulder in a menacing manner. She quickly crossed the room away from him. Her child’s teacher and office personnel are aware of the danger for her child.
Today, I met a true potential #familicide victim (not a client). Her story was shocking.
We were on a totally separate topic, which sparked the mention of how she almost lost her child while pregnant. Her abuser did not want the child and sat on her stomach long enough where amniotic fluid leaked. Upon telling his mother, she responded, “That’s just John being John.”
As a seasoned forensic psychologist, I know to not interrupt a person telling their story of trauma. You must let them run out of gas, so to speak, and you cannot predict when they will be finished. Whether it’s a victim/survivor of #intimatepartnerviolence or a #veteran speaking about combat, you have to sit with them until they’re done.
She was strangled 5 times, the last of which led to his arrest and conviction. John strangled her one time while she was holding her infant, leaving her with no ability to protect herself or her child and no escape option. He is currently under probation supervision, and she had to fight for supervised visitation. When her Domestic Violence Protective Order expired, renewal was denied because he “hadn’t done anything in a while.” This speaks to the ongoing ignorance of the court system about true IPV/CC danger and why we see a familicide per week.
He held a gun to her head, repeatedly. Access to a weapon added to strangulation equals a 750 times greater probability that she may be killed. (I believe that statistic is correct, but feedback is welcome!) He often came to bed with the weapon in hand as intimidation, or a reminder…
The #electronicstalking began after the relationship ended. One social media post showed an empty picture frame with a gunshot in the center, surrounded by old photos of them together as a family.
On her birthday, John once sent a “funeral flower arrangement” as a “gift”, or more of a reminder…
Visitation continues , under supervision as I mentioned, and the child absolutely hates it. As an infant, John refused to feed or change the child, knowing the severe neglect would cause mental anguish for the mother.
John told her one time that he was going to “check the air in her tires” when she was driving a rental. As she left, with her child in their car seat, and reached a certain speed, the vehicle became uncontrollable with swerving. When she pulled over, she found that the rear wheel on the car seat side of the vehicle had dangerously low air pressure. That incident sounds like a first #familicide attempt to me.
Most recently, John attended a school function, and she found him hovering over her shoulder in a menacing manner. She quickly crossed the room away from him. Her child’s teacher and office personnel are aware of the danger for her child.
She can’t trust her own mother to take matters seriously and her mother minimizes his dangerousness. She sees her mother as equally unprotected from John and endangered.
John now uses financial control and contributes near to nothing to the care of their child. She’d rather he not be involved at all, but the tactics are continuous and endless.
She is 40ish but said her body is failing her, causing her to feel like she is 80 years old. She recognizes these physiological indicators because of the chronic toxic stress that has weakened her. If you haven’t read The Deepest Well by Dr. Nadine Burke-Harris, I highly recommend it. Chronic Toxic Stress breaks a body down over time. Her physical pain is from a neurological condition. Many of my adult women clients have physical ailments that reach across a spectrum, and I closely monitor the behavior of their children as data points for court cases.
I asked one last question; “Have you heard of familicide?” She excitedly said “Yes!” It was as if no one had listened to the severity of the threats or her fear. She said, “I know he’s going to kill me and my child.” I can’t imagine feeling that certain and helpless at the same time of being killed by an ex-partner.
I offered to train her with a firearm. She said she fears guns because of John’s threats with his weapon, but she is willing to learn.
This case seems the most dangerous that I’ve heard of in quite a while. She knows she can call me if anything happens. The behavioral patterns are clear and have lasted at least over 8 years.
Watch this space. I’m working on a project to define abusers and shift that spotlight back to them in courts. I may drop some breadcrumbs…
